Self-esteem creates natural highs. Knowing that you’re
lovable helps you to love more. Knowing that you’re important helps you to make a difference to others. Knowing
that you are capable empowers you to create more. Knowing that you’re valuable and that you have a special place
in the universe is a serene spiritual joy in itself.
- Louise Hart -
As a child my Pop taught me that the difference between ordinary and extraordinary is
that little extra. When I stumbled and fell, he encouraged me to get up, gather myself, visualize the desired
result and have another go at it. It seemed that he was never astounded when I accomplished something that I had
previously struggled with. It was like he knew all along that I could get it done, that I had that little extra
to give and eventually I would unleash it. If he believed in me so much how could I not believe in myself?
So began my journey into adulthood.
Pop always set positive examples. He just never delved on the negative things or failures that happened. He
was never critical of me if I failed to accomplish something, however he always encouraged me to try again and
he praised the effort. The thing I remember most was his good humor about everything. How could I feel bad about
something if Pop was laughing?
I remember the joy he found when attempting to teach me how to drive that old farm truck. This old truck
had a stick shift on the floor, the brake, gas and clutch peddles that had long ago lost their rubber pads, no
shock absorbers, old worn-out leaf springs and there was a wire spring coming through the seat on the driver's
side. Pop drove us out back of the farmhouse and around the cornfield where this old dirt road crossed our land.
In actuality it was more ruts and potholes than it was road, however it was a place where I could do very little
damage when I strayed off to one side or the other. Imagine if you can, this 9 year old boy not tall enough to
reach the peddles without setting on the very edge of the seat, attempting to do five things (steer, clutch, shift,
gas and watch the road) at the same time, for the first time. Every time I hit one of the potholes I would
bounce off the seat and both my feet would come off the pedals causing the truck to lurch. On the way down, I would
yell as my chin hit the steering wheel and my rear end would land on the end of that wire spring. Pop would roar
with laughter, not at me but at what was happening.
Every once in a while it would get to be too much for him. He would have me stop the truck, he would get out
of the truck walk back down the road a bit to catch his breath, wipe his eyes, then back in the truck and off we
would go again - gear grinding, bouncing, yelling and laughing - together. After a while Pop had me
drive close enough to our house to walk home. When I stopped where he got out he told me go on solo. It was just
getting dark when I finally came home and parked the truck. I had mastered the five things and the truck was only
missing one fender. Pop had another fit of laughing, asked if I picked it up or left it out on the road. I had
picked it up three times I told him, because it had bounced out of the back twice on the way home.
Childhood experiences like that help me build my self-esteem. Things like: Being praised, listened to, spoken
to respectfully, getting attention and hugs, experiencing success in activities such as sports and school and having
trustworthy friends were much better than being harshly criticized, yelled at, ignored, ridiculed, teased or expected
to be ‘perfect’ all the time.
Pop made sure that I recognized many of my good qualities and worked with me as I overcame the bad ones. He taught
me that believing that I had good qualities was not an ego trip or internal boasting but an exercise in self-evaluation.
Self-esteem is the opinion you have of yourself. It is based on your attitude to the following:
• Your value as a person • The
job you do
• Your achievements • How
you think others see you
• Your purpose in life • Your
place in the world
• Your potential for success • Your
strengths and weaknesses
• Your social status and
how you relate to others
• Your independence or
ability to stand on your own feet
The opposite effect or low self esteem results from you having a poor self image caused by your attitude to
one or more of the above.
One thing Pop would not tolerate was a bad mood. Boy, you didn’t want to be in a bad mood around him because
you were bored. He could quickly find several things for you to do to help you get over that one. I remember one
time in grade school when our basketball team lost a game because I had missed two free-throw shots within the
last few seconds of the game. I came home all bummed out and was being crappy to everyone. Pop told me to just
get over it, however I didn’t so he just got up from the supper table, went into the utility room and got my basketball
and motioned for me to follow him. We went out the back door, he turned on the car lights to light up the side
of the barn where my hoop was located and I began to shoot from the free-throw line. Pop just chased down the rebounds
and passed the ball back to me and said: “Three dribbles - look at the back of the hoop, keep your elbow in - use
the tips of your fingers - complete the follow through.” over and over again until I had made 25 shots in a row.
We then went back in to the dining room and finished supper. When Mom came in to clear the dishes, she looked over
at me and asked: “So how was your day?” I looked over at Pop, and then told Mom I had had a great day. Pop laughed
and I just grinned.
Bad moods damage your motivation to succeed in whatever you are attempting. They make you more prone to negative
thinking, and cause distraction, often as you trigger bad moods in other people. Bad moods emerge as bad temper,
unhappiness, lethargy and sluggishness. If you are in a good mood, then even dull or monotonous work can be enjoyable.
Your mood is completely under your control - bad moods are an indulgence you cannot afford. Pop taught me that
I could improve my mood by treating each element of a performance individually - when you make a mistake, refocus
and concentrate on the next separate element of the performance. He changed my focus from the missed shots to focusing
on the elements of shooting from the free-throw line. With the change of focus came a change in mood.
Pop always said that getting into physical conflict with others was allowing them to win. I think what he meant
was that most ofthose who depend on physical power to dominate others are using the only strength they have, and
they know it. I understood that bullying another was a sure sign of low self-esteem. He also taught me that there
was a difference between bullying and assertiveness. He said that being assertive was the ability to express
my thoughts and rights, without violating the rights of others, and that bullying was to impose my will upon others
by threat or force.
Pop taught me that there were two entities in life - things and people. That I could acquire things but
I could never have a relationship with them. Those things had uses and I should learn how best to use them, however
I should never, ever use another person. Assertiveness can increase your chances for honest relationships because
it is all about appropriately direct, open, and honest communications that allows you to feel self-confident and
that self confidence will lead to the respect of peers and friends. Good, healthy self-esteem demonstrated by or
through assertiveness will most often lead to mutually beneficial relationships.
FINAL THOUGHT
One of the ways toward a healthy self-esteem is to recognize positive qualities in yourself and to be able to
recognize the same in others. If you don’t fully understand what positive qualities are you can view a list of
over 130 of them on the wed page that was compiled by the McKinley Health Center, University of Illinois, Urbana-Champaign
Campus. This site provides an interesting exercise in reinforcement. ( http://www.mckinley.uiuc.edu/health-info/hlthpro/selfestm/pos-qual.html
)
Because my Pop set me on the right track, I kind of like myself. What’s not to like? I have become who
I am on my own merits and not at the expense of others. Not once in my life have I ever set out to harm another
person in any way. I believe that people who know me respect my integrity and that’s no small thing.
Is this my ego speaking or my self-esteem? Am I what I think I am and do people see me as I see myself? Some
time ago I wrote about these questions in an article titled With Regard to...Self ( http://www.thetimesharebeat.com/global/sikes72.htm
) In that article I acknowledged that: ‘I am myself, I am also what others perceive that, I am’...
and that I was ‘eternally grateful to all who allowed, assisted or forced me to be what I have become,
............ so far!
There are many who only know me from the perceptions gained from what I have written in this column. I will
be eternally grateful that Rod and Andrea provided me with the opportunity to reach those of you that I have never
had the pleasure to meet face to face. If any of you fall into that category and think I am nuts, I assure
you that I have many friends who think likewise. That’s OK because being nuts is one of the things on my
list of positive qualities. Having a healthy self-esteem is actually the thing that allows me to send stuff like
this out into cyberspace with the hope that it will make one of you out there think, just like my Pop did
for me.
